Walls to hold us in;

I'm done trying.

2011-11-13T08:11:00.001-08:00

This time it hurts twice or even thrice as much as the previous time.
I'm done w all these. I just want and need to be alone.

I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

2011-11-06T05:54:00.001-08:00

Under immense pressure. Under immense disappointments.
I hate coping with these and I suck at coping w these. It took and drained so much out of me just to reach thus far.
Idk how far more I can go.
I'm afraid. Of failing.

):

2011-09-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

hais.

2weeks

2011-05-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

Forever remembered, forever loved.

Monday.

2011-04-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

Weeks have been... Bearable I guess. Just the usual things gng on and on with a few :), :(, >:(,:') , :'( ~ and some days less bearable than the others.

This week is gna be long. Hope I'll survive.

Never good enough.

2011-04-01T06:46:00.001-07:00

Always so insignificant, like i never really mattered to anyone. So demoralizing but yet it's so true. How pathetic can I get.

Day 72

2011-03-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

I always fail.

Day 71

2011-03-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

Pride is my greatest downfall.

Day 67

2011-03-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

“I think life should be about touching the lives of people around us. Making a difference. Accepting people for who they are, going out of our way to help others, and loving with all that we’ve got. Sometimes all it takes is one simple gesture, and we can put a smile on someone’s face and make them feel less alone. That is what we should live for, because when we’re gone from this world, we can’t take anything with us. All that’s left are the people whose lives you touched, and the difference you’ve made while you were here. So make this life count, because you don’t get a second chance.”
-runawaytrain.tumblr.com

Day 65

2011-03-06T07:35:00.001-08:00

“I don’t know if people are meant to be together. You have to have a lot in common, choose well and be really fortunate. It’s not like you’re sprinkled with fairy dust. You have to believe that love will be there when you need it.”
— Claire Danes

Day 64

2011-03-04T15:45:00.001-08:00

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is, you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up; because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole. And that goes for everything; just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So. Keep your head high. Keep your chin up. And most importantly, keep smiling. Because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”

-Marilyn Monroe

(timirose.tumblr.com)

Day 63

2011-03-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me, “You can do better. You deserve much more.” And truth be told, the person is right. But usually when we love, we love someone for who they are despite what they have done. It’s not so much about who we deserve, but who we want, who we need and who we love. That’s how love is.

-runawaytrain.tumblr.com

Day 60

2011-03-01T04:17:00.001-08:00

via Letters I’ll Never Send

You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.

I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.

You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?

You are alive.

& Everything will be okay.

Have a great day everyone. Let’s start this week off finding a reason to smile regardless of any situation.

-timirose.tumblr.com

Nice :')

Day 58

2011-02-27T03:24:00.001-08:00

Glad to have you two (:

Day 58

2011-02-26T15:41:00.001-08:00

uoy esol ot diarfa.

Day 55

2011-02-24T03:46:00.000-08:00

Dreams and wishes are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simplest of them, like having the one you love, love you back that are often the most painful because they are so personal and so yearned for but there are times when it seems like you’re never close enough. And that’s enough to break anyone’s heart.

-runawaytrain.tumblr.com

Day 53

2011-02-22T04:15:00.001-08:00

My life is a decreasing function.
So does my joy.

Day 52

2011-02-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

Day 51

2011-02-20T01:04:00.000-08:00

- icanread.tumblr.com

Not exactly what I'm feeling and ttly applicable but it pretty much sums up everything.

Day 48

2011-02-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

I don't have the ability to control it ):

Day 47

2011-02-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

Heart or mind?

Ten Ways to Love

2011-02-13T07:44:00.001-08:00

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

-timirose.tumblr.com

One tight slap.

2011-02-13T03:16:00.000-08:00

When we pretend that we care lesser than we really do when it comes to certain people, it hurts. When people pretend to care more than they do and we discover the truth, it hurts too.
(runawaytrain.tumblr.com)

It has been so long since I have been so disappointed with someone. Anger, disappointment. I don't understand, and I'll never do because if I did, things won't always turn out this way. We always pretend things are alright when it's not and when we meet a dead end we try to walk back but alway reaching the same dead end. And all I feel like doing now is to bang into this wall that prevents us from walking forward, and nvr wake up again.

It's so much pain trying to pretend I don't care, when I do. And it's so much pain trying to pretend you care, when you actually don't.

It's so much pain trying to hold on to something that does not belong to you anymore.

We're not the same anymore. Maybe, we just need a full stop.

Vicious cycle.

2011-02-11T09:59:00.001-08:00

For that hour I was happy. I can't even rmb the last time I jumped so much and screamed so much. It felt so good.

But things often don't stay as good. The bad things strike you when you're at the peak of your joy and it would just throw you down, hard.

And now I'm at the bottom again, hurt.

Day 42

2011-02-10T09:34:00.001-08:00

I hate this feeling when I can feel myself and others slowly drifting apart and I’m trying to hold onto everybody but they aren’t holding on to me as tightly. At the same time, other people are reaching out to me and I’m pushing them away so I keep holding on to people who probably aren’t even worth it to begin with.
-runawaytrain.tumblr.com

I think I'm holding on to something that does not even belong to me.

Day 40

2011-02-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

“Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold onto something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.”
— Henry Rollins
(runawaytrain.tumblr.com)

Day 39

2011-02-08T06:57:00.001-08:00

Not so sure.

Day 35

2011-02-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Cny signifies this new start for the Chinese year. This year's cny is different, and I think only our family could understand each other's anguish. Not something to be happy about, but it has definitely pull our big family closer. You know, nthg beats hving family around with all the love that is circulating. They don't judge you at all (maybe only when you've grown a tad fatter), they love you all the same.

I might not have the perfect family, but at least, they're all I need (:

Day 33

2011-02-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

Everything seems to be better now but the peace is nerve wrecking. Bad things always happen tgt after a string of good things and that's why it's called life. I cnt deny this few days are the best I had in a few months, and i am satisfied. But at the same time, I'm scared. Idk what will happen next.

I just wish when anything happens, there'll be people around to prevent me from falling.

Day 32

2011-02-01T06:16:00.001-08:00

I wish I can stay happy like this (;

I remember it too (:

2011-01-31T06:44:00.000-08:00

You missed out the v first day (:

Day 31

2011-01-31T04:56:00.001-08:00

Uncomprehensible

2011-01-30T07:04:00.001-08:00

Idk why but I just keep falling deeper.

Day 30

2011-01-30T04:46:00.001-08:00

The 30th of every month feels like a special day to me. Not because it's the last day because obviously some months do not end on the 30th. It is special to me in a weird way that every 30th something happens or that I feel that I had to decide on something. Or maybe it's just special to me for a v special reason unknown to many.

It was so long ago I cnt rmb it anymore. I don't even think abt it everyday like I used to. Maybe as time passes, whatever memories you have ever felt strongly about fades.or maybe because as we grow old, we think differently.

The first person, the last person.

2011-01-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

Once I set up walls to protect myself. I thought those walls could last forever. I thought I had built them strong enough. But I was wrong. Someone once said, we build walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. I thought maybe I don't need those walls anymore. Because someone cared and came along and broke it down.

Naive me. People break your walls not because they care. People do it, so they can break you. Maybe I'll have to stop being so stupid and start building my walls all over again. This time strong enough that no one would be able to come in again.

I have to stop being dumb and stupid.

Day 29

2011-01-28T15:16:00.001-08:00

Bottom Line.
It’s not supposed to be perfect & no one is supposed to understand it. It’s meant to be chaotic & it’s meant to make you cringe. If you haven’t cried in a while or felt like shit in even longer, then you’re most likely doing something wrong. This isn’t here for constant perfection, or some cliché happy ending. It’s here to be real & to keep your heart beating & to keep you wanting more. There is supposed to be a bright light of hope in your heart & a black hole of the unknown in your mind. None of this makes sense, but all of it is worth it.

-timirose.tumblr.com

I hope so.

You can't go back & change the past. So look to the future & don't make the same mistake twice.

2011-01-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

Had it all in my mind of what to type. But decided not to in the end. Why not just type whatever and don't care about whoever is reading this? But I'm weak. My mind is weak. Weaker than my heart. My heart always wins over my mind. Maybe that's why I always end up disappointing people, disappointing myself and making wrong decisions. My mind always tell me, don't hurt myself, just let it all go. My heart stops me for a little while and always set me thinking.

I wish I have selective memory. I just wanna rmb what's worth rmbing. What's not, just fuck off.

Day26

2011-01-26T07:04:00.001-08:00

Have been here for too long, maybe cause I think this space is the only space that no one bothers coming.

It has been up and down. My mood. This is not the first time, I think I should have learnt how to handle it. But I probably have not learnt how to handle it or else I wouldn't even be here. I cnt afford to deal with such moods because of A's. How should I handle everything that's coming my way?

Where should I go?
To the left where nthg's right, or to the right where nthg's left?

Pain and gulit.

2011-01-25T04:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, we're in such a dilemma and we don't know what we should do, what we should have done, and doubt what we have done. Everyday, I think about all these questions. And at the end of the day, I just leave myself in pain and guilt.

What would have happened if I would have done things a different way?

Day 25

2011-01-25T03:31:00.000-08:00

Insecurities are nothing more than a wounded soul. The tragedies of the heart cause damage much like physical tragedies do. So when you see someone with a glaring insecurity, remember at some point, a very deep hurt put it there & as much as you can… love them through it. Because you know you’ve been wounded too.

-http://timirose.tumblr.com/

Day 23

2011-01-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

It feels like a dream. Like it never happened. It feels like my heart is constantly at this peak of a mountain, threatening to fall anytime. The fear, the anxiety.

I don't know how should I deal with all these. My life have never fallen so deep before, and now it's the deepest that it have ever been at. Things never go as planned. It is not like I just knew it anyway. But things come too fast, too fast for me to handle. Idk how to cope. I could only try to look strong. Being 'emo' is like being weak. And I don't wanna show ppl that.

Life is so fragile and yet tough. Irony. What if one day I just disappear?

Week 3

2011-01-19T07:15:00.001-08:00

Hate myself for expecting. Hate myself for hoping.

2011

2011-01-02T04:56:00.001-08:00

I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. You know, we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, it’s not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent, it comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.

-One Tree Hill

2010.

2010-12-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

So long since I have been typing here, I guess everyone assumes this space is dead. Well, it works fine for me since I would not have to consider others while typing.

2010 is ending in 2 days including today although half day is alrdy gone. There are so much to say about 2010. But it pretty much sums up to just one single word--sucks. No one know how much I have gone through this year, every single day, hour and second. I don't expect anyone to srsly. It felt like I kept so much things inside me but I cannot tell it to anyone. It felt so personal. Letting people know about my weaknesses only allows them to have something on their hand against me.

I don't want people to know I'm weak. But I am.

This year has been so much struggle, mistakes, regrets, so much so that all the little good things does not matter anymore. Everything seems so much to be falling apart -friends, family, the world, and myself. 2011 is coming, nothing is getting better. Well 2010 and 2011 is just a split second difference, isn't it?

I've lost so much this year. I've tried so much this year. And I think I tried too hard. I'm tired, but I still got nothing. No one appreciates too. Its alrdy hard trying for myself. But its harder trying for others who does not give a damn to how tired you are. They just want themselves to be happy. I want so hard to get out of this school too. It is like a living hell, that breaks me apart. The school, studies, the people, and myself in it. I want time to pass so quickly, but yet at the same time I reckon I have enough time, because I still have so much more to do.

2010 was also the only year, It hurts so much to be living. Every single thing just keep coming. "Keep faith", srsly these two words are so overused. V V overused. It does not even mean anything anymore. Just two words that sound oh-so-inspirational that people want to keep using it to make themselves or people feel better. But it does not. I hate this two words. This two words are just mocking me, telling me how much it has failed me. Because I cnt do it. No matter how hard I "Keep Faith", bad things just happen. Yes, half of it I brought it upon myself. Consequences of my wrong doings. And I'm feeling so bad about them, but I cannot do anything to make amends alrdy. But what about the other half of the bad things that happened. Why do I deserve it? It really hurts so much to see loved ones suffering and all I could do is minimal.

I'm so tired. I want this to end. But Idk how. Its like falling into this pit that never ends, and idk how to get up. Sometimes it feels like I might have been saved up, but all these are just illusions. I just keep falling and falling.
I rlly want all these to end. I dont want to do this anymore. 2010 is the worst year ever. 2011 is not going to be better just because another second passed. I just hope things do not get any worst. Because I don't know what else could probably be worse.

Tired.

2010-11-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

I just want to start afresh.